I feel I’m being selfish

OK so this is the second try at writing this.

This weekend has not been good for anxiety attacks.

Friday was the worst I’d had in ages, months in fact. 
Him indoors was going out with the boys straight after work.
I panic everytime he goes out but this week was the worst. My mood started to drop quite early then I started loosing my temper within such a short space of time my whole body felt like it was burning and I felt physically sick. The crying came next, this is when I couldn’t hide the attack from the girls anymore. I was sobbing my heart out.
How the hell was I going to calm down and look after the kids?
The only way I knew that would help was to tell him indoors what was happening. I felt selfish!!
Was I just about to ruin his night out? His first night out in months and the first time he had seen some old work colleges in even longer.
So instead of phoning him (as talking was not an option) I sent him a message.
I started by apologising. “I’m sorry but I’m just about to ruin your evening, I’m sorry”
Thank goodness I shared how I was with him. I should of known he wouldn’t be upset or angry with me but manage to calm me down enough to be able to stop crying.
I was very thankful to see him home that evening.

As some of you may have read earlier in the week we had a new arrival to our family. My brother and sister in law welcomed their third baby into this mad world. A baby boy.
I am so happy for them and all the family. So why can’t i show it?
I’ve still not opening shared my birth story for a number of reasons. However I have had treatment for PTSD. This seems to of worked for some time and I have come on leaps and bounds ……until I come into contact with pregnant ladies, newborns or birth stories.
And this is where I start to feel bloody selfish again.
I want to be able to meet my new nephew and congratulate my family on their new addition. Instead I feel anxious and close to panic attack again. This is not fair and not right.

So here I am writing it down so that maybe people can understand a little why I seem to be coming across moody and selfish or even relate to what I am suffering.

This week I will return to see the doc and hope they can offer me some help other than the meds I’m already on.